Anish Apijah nak jadi apa?

Masa sekolah rendah cikgu suruh tulis karangan 'Cita-cita Saya', confident je tulis "guru yang berdedikasi, ingin mendidik anak bangsa, yadayadayada". Lepas tu up sikit, tukar, nak jadi pensyarah pulak. Cikgu tanya "Hanis, awak nak jadi pensyarah apa?" Cikgu Rosliadi nama dia. Confident jugak jawab "Pensyarah ugama, cikgu!" Haha 😂😂😂.

Makin tambah umur makin bertukar-tukar cita-cita. Pernah nak jadi Engineer (dah isi pun borang nak masuk sekolah teknik), Architect (sebab tengok abang Form Five macam cool buat Lukisan Kejuruteraan), Pakar Forensik kerja dengan polis (sebab selalu sangat tengok CSI), pernah rasa nak jadi cikgu again - Guru Add Math (sebab masa tu pergi Perfect Score SBP Add Math), and pernah jugak nak jadi Chemist (sebab suka Kimia gila gila gila). 😁

Last-last lepas SPM sambung medik. 💉 Alhamdulillah, enjoy je and the experiences are magnificent. 😊 And now dah halfway through dengan Medicine, masih lagi tanya diri sendiri, betul ke nak jadi Doktor ni? Sebab sometimes rasa tak yakin dengan keupayaan diri sendiri. 

But what can we do is berusaha je sesungguh hati dan selalu jugak berdoa dengan Tuhan semoga dipermudahkan jalan yang kita dah pilih, or show us the right pathway in our future life, sebab after all, Dia je yang Maha Mengetahui segala rahsia di langit dan di bumi. 😇

Yang penting, usaha! Ada rezeki, alhamdulilah. Kalau takde, kita reroute. 😉 (tengok-tengok nanti Anish Apijah jadi Perdana Menteri ahahahahahhahaaha)

P/s : macam biasa stethoscope pinjam 😜
P/s/s : #throwback gambar masa OSCE tahun lepas, cuak gila and tak perasan pun OSCE jatuh on my birthday, sampai la the examiner doctor (my crush lol) check student card and cakap "Congratulations, you are done. Happy Birthday!" sambil senyum kasi cair satu kali. Kah! 😂

Sorry That I Rambled

I don't know. Maybe I've kept too many things bottled up for these past few weeks. 
This is a hard path, it really is, and I acknowledge that. I don't know how other people survive this, but I've tried so hard to make sure that I TRY my best to make the most of it. And I've been improving, rather a lot than the last time. But when I think I've had given my all, the reality hits me hard, on the face. 

Bersedia dari awal. Burnt the midnight oil if I had to. Made sure to go through everything before the class/tutorial/practical starts. Prepare myself because I know nak setaraf dengan kawan2 yang lagi pandai ni, it takes hard work. Ilmu tak datang golek-golek macam tu je, that one I know. But the thing is, kau rasa kau dah bersedia, and when the real time comes, rupanya ada sejuta lagi benda yang kau tak tahu. That's a part of learning process, again, that one, I know. Tapi when it comes to feeling inferior, and insecurity, I guess we just can't help it, eh?

Bukannya jealous dengan orang yang lagi pandai, tapi disappointed dengan diri sendiri sebab... tak tau sebab apa. Sebab ilmu tak cukup tinggi macam orang lain maybe? And why are we comparing ourselves with other people, is another question I couldn't answer. It hurts so much harder when you're mad with yourself. Disappointed with your own self. When you're feeling overwhelmed, and incompetent, and like you don't belong. When you think that you've work hard enough but apparently your enough is not enough enough.

I know, I should not focus on the bad things but need to see on great things I've accomplished so far. To feel tired, to complain is definitely not an option. But little did I know being positive is quite a hard work itself. To tell myself that everything's gonna be okay is rather a hard work itself. And to live up to people's expectations is a hard work itself.

May Allah give me strength, give us strength.
I'm sorry that there's too much negativity in this post. I just need to let it all out. Night. (I'm fine.)

All Those Shower Thoughts

I don't know about you, but most of my wisest (at least I thought they were wise) decisions and thoughts were made while I showered.

The one most popular topic while I showered every morning before going to class is "Outfit of The Day". Yes, I know. Truly a girl I am, blablabla. All those make up slash fashionista gurus out there that you may found in Youtube will usually suggest you plan your outfit the night before so that you don't have to rush the next morning. But it doesn't quite work with me. Okay, perhaps it works sometimes, especially when I have something REALLY big coming up, like hari raya or formal dinners sort of things, yeah, but with everyday class outfit, maybe not.

To my surprise (or maybe you are surprised too), sometimes I also thought about bigger things. Like

1. Where am I in ten years time? Will I be married and have kids, or still single?
2. Is it rational for me to have pets?
3. Will I make it to the last of my study and become a doctor one day?
4. If I didn't pick medicine, where would I be now?
5. Is it normal to gaze at the sky and be mesmerized with it, every time I looked up?
6. Why does rainbow makes people happy?
7. Why are people being so kind to me? I am not really kind anyway.
8. Do people always feel satisfaction during charity deeds, like I felt? Or it only hits certain people?
9. I love kids too much. What will happen if nauzubillah I couldn't have kids of my own?
10. Will I die young or will I live till my nineties? Will my death be sudden or because of a disease?
11. What are people thinking of me when they first saw me, and when they saw me like, for a year?
12. How does it feels like to have a brother?
13. Will I achieve my dream to travel the world?
14. Will I achieve my dream to settle down and live in a farm with my beloved ones till death do us apart, doing nothing but good deeds to people around and charity and serve the community, doing nothing but everything that makes me happy?
15. Can I sing really well?
16. How long more does it takes for me to be a good guitar player?
17. When will I finish reading all those books I bought? Or they will just end up in the library I build in my dream house?

I have so many thoughts inside me, but right now I couldn't think of a proper outro.