Sorry That I Rambled

I don't know. Maybe I've kept too many things bottled up for these past few weeks. 
This is a hard path, it really is, and I acknowledge that. I don't know how other people survive this, but I've tried so hard to make sure that I TRY my best to make the most of it. And I've been improving, rather a lot than the last time. But when I think I've had given my all, the reality hits me hard, on the face. 

Bersedia dari awal. Burnt the midnight oil if I had to. Made sure to go through everything before the class/tutorial/practical starts. Prepare myself because I know nak setaraf dengan kawan2 yang lagi pandai ni, it takes hard work. Ilmu tak datang golek-golek macam tu je, that one I know. But the thing is, kau rasa kau dah bersedia, and when the real time comes, rupanya ada sejuta lagi benda yang kau tak tahu. That's a part of learning process, again, that one, I know. Tapi when it comes to feeling inferior, and insecurity, I guess we just can't help it, eh?

Bukannya jealous dengan orang yang lagi pandai, tapi disappointed dengan diri sendiri sebab... tak tau sebab apa. Sebab ilmu tak cukup tinggi macam orang lain maybe? And why are we comparing ourselves with other people, is another question I couldn't answer. It hurts so much harder when you're mad with yourself. Disappointed with your own self. When you're feeling overwhelmed, and incompetent, and like you don't belong. When you think that you've work hard enough but apparently your enough is not enough enough.

I know, I should not focus on the bad things but need to see on great things I've accomplished so far. To feel tired, to complain is definitely not an option. But little did I know being positive is quite a hard work itself. To tell myself that everything's gonna be okay is rather a hard work itself. And to live up to people's expectations is a hard work itself.

May Allah give me strength, give us strength.
I'm sorry that there's too much negativity in this post. I just need to let it all out. Night. (I'm fine.)

All Those Shower Thoughts

I don't know about you, but most of my wisest (at least I thought they were wise) decisions and thoughts were made while I showered.

The one most popular topic while I showered every morning before going to class is "Outfit of The Day". Yes, I know. Truly a girl I am, blablabla. All those make up slash fashionista gurus out there that you may found in Youtube will usually suggest you plan your outfit the night before so that you don't have to rush the next morning. But it doesn't quite work with me. Okay, perhaps it works sometimes, especially when I have something REALLY big coming up, like hari raya or formal dinners sort of things, yeah, but with everyday class outfit, maybe not.

To my surprise (or maybe you are surprised too), sometimes I also thought about bigger things. Like

1. Where am I in ten years time? Will I be married and have kids, or still single?
2. Is it rational for me to have pets?
3. Will I make it to the last of my study and become a doctor one day?
4. If I didn't pick medicine, where would I be now?
5. Is it normal to gaze at the sky and be mesmerized with it, every time I looked up?
6. Why does rainbow makes people happy?
7. Why are people being so kind to me? I am not really kind anyway.
8. Do people always feel satisfaction during charity deeds, like I felt? Or it only hits certain people?
9. I love kids too much. What will happen if nauzubillah I couldn't have kids of my own?
10. Will I die young or will I live till my nineties? Will my death be sudden or because of a disease?
11. What are people thinking of me when they first saw me, and when they saw me like, for a year?
12. How does it feels like to have a brother?
13. Will I achieve my dream to travel the world?
14. Will I achieve my dream to settle down and live in a farm with my beloved ones till death do us apart, doing nothing but good deeds to people around and charity and serve the community, doing nothing but everything that makes me happy?
15. Can I sing really well?
16. How long more does it takes for me to be a good guitar player?
17. When will I finish reading all those books I bought? Or they will just end up in the library I build in my dream house?

I have so many thoughts inside me, but right now I couldn't think of a proper outro.

Grow Up?

Let's not fuss over small things, shall we? Whenever you're feeling blue, remember that you have thousands more reasons to be happy.

You're after all, twenty two. :')

nowplaying GLEE - What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)

'Cause Baby You're a Firework.

I've always wanted to be that one kind of girl who teaches her little sister how to put her make up on, or how to style her tudung, or how to match her plain dress with a printed shawl. 

I've always wanted to be a girl who teaches her little sister how to deal with annoying boys in class, or how to survive high school. 

I've always wanted to be that kind of girl who wants to teach her little sister that life is all about rain, sunshine, and rainbow, who tells her that it is okay to cry over crappy things but never cry twice,  who tells her "Don't worry missy, I got your back.", who protects her.

They said "You can always choose your friends but you can never choose your family." But if I can ever choose my family, I'll stick with them, I'll never replace them. My little sister, she is my best bestest bestfriend. She teaches me the meaning of life more than I did her (betul ke ayat ni?). She's the bravest person to say "He doesn't seem nice. Kak Long, I don't like you going out with him." or that sort of things to my face. She is my everything and I can't imagine my life without her.

Happy Twentieth baby sister. You're always a baby to me. I love you so much. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

#PrayForMH370

March 8 2014, morning. You know, one thing that is good about Twitter is it tells you what actually is happening in your "tweeps neighborhood". So when suddenly I received a notification saying everybody I know on twitter is talking about one same particular matter, I knew at once, something bad, worse, a tragic incident is happening. The same case occurred masa I dapat berita pasal arwah hari tu. Sebab tiba-tiba semua orang RT tweet Safwan (kalau tak silap) bagitau pasal berita pemergian arwah Azem. That's why, yesterday morning I was somehow, traumatized.

Turned out, a Malaysian Airlines' flight MH370 was reported missing, tak dapat dikesan, langsung. And what breaks my heart is the pictures of family members who're patiently waiting for the news, you know deep down inside they're chanting prayers non stop. It is tough enough to hold back tears, because you know once you're bursting out, you could never stop crying. And what is more heartbreaking rather than seeing a mother crying, a daughter crying, a brother crying, a husband crying, waiting for their loved ones, hoping for their loved ones to be back home, safe and soundly?

I think the hardest part is "not knowing" ; ditinggalkan dalam tanda tanya. Apa yang terjadi? Hidupkah? Matikah? Di daratkah? Di lautkah? Makan kah? Cukup minum kah? Kesejukan kah?

A few days ago I went to a talk from Brother Nouman Ali Khan in Manchester. Satu point yang terkesan dalam hati ialah "Anything, everything, is possible with Allah's will. Against all odds, everything could happen." This kind of incident could be happening to any flight, any airlines, anybody, any time. It could be happening to somebody's father today. It also can be happening to yours any time. Wallahu'alam. Indeed He is the most powerful. Indeed He knows what we don't know. Indeed we can always plan but He is always always always the best planner.

Suddenly it hits me, what if it happens to me? What if something bad happens to me before I have the chance to tell my loved ones how much I love them, how much they meant the world to me? I always know that I didn't say "I LOVE YOU" enough to anybody, be it my family members, or my special friends. I always say to myself "Taknak lah cakap, malu." or "They'll know eventhough I don't say it, I showed enough sign." or "I'll just say it tomorrow. They surely can wait.". Yes. SURELY. As if I am sure that there will be tomorrow, or I'm still alive tomorrow. It hits me. I don't cherish people. I don't cherish the moment. I, Hanis Hafizah, take things for granted. It hits me. Hard. Astaghfirullah!

Enough with the rant. Let's just pray for the crews and passengers' safety for now. InsyaAllah tembakan doa diberikan oleh seluruh rakyat Malaysia walau di mana kami berada. Majlis-majlis solat hajat di seluruh negara. Everybody is now uniting, tak kira bangsa, agama, negara, atau fahaman politik.

To everybody on the aircraft, we're here patiently waiting for you guys. Where ever you are, please be safe, have your jacket on, don't stay in cold, please do eat, you have to keep energized, please keep have faith, and don't lose hope. We here will keep praying insyaAllah and hoping for a miracle, because anything could happen against all odds. Please, come back and give your loved ones a warm hug.

And to those who are desperately trying to be popular, making countless of shameless speculations and fake news, making bad jokes and being insensitive regarding this matter, SHAME ON YOU.


live streaming Astro Awani here

Back on my flight from Dublin to Germany during winter break

Cuaca Hatimu (ecchewahhh)

Side effect : May cause nausea.

Semalam lenaku diulit salju
Malamku kaku menahan beku
Fajar ini ku harung pula angin menderu
Hampir ku tersungkur menahan derasnya bayu
Muncul lalu hujan air batu penuh gempita
Perit di tubuh ku tahan jua
Sang suria muncul tidak semena
Lalu ku bertanya; "Pelangiku mana?"

Roller coaster cuaca di bumi bertuah ini
Seperti perasaanku
Yang dibaja sayangmu
Seperti hatimu
Yang sering berlagu rindu
Bukan sekali kau jeritkan batinmu itu
Sudah terlalu selalu! Tapi...

Kau seperti mentari di sini
Persis malu-malu namun masih sudi
Hadirnya sekejap-sekejap cuma
Tapi lekat di jiwa
Kalau mampu biarku peluk mentari itu
Biar dia rasa sayangku

"Pelangiku mana?"
Hujan, panas, dan hujan lagi
Aku rindu Pelangiku!

Gadismu ♥,
Hanis H Ismail,
Galway 20140201

Sajak tak jadi ni mihihihi >.<

Ich Liebe Dich

There. I've said it. *sembunyi dalam duvet taknak keluar dah* :P ♥♥♥

Haha. People around me knows how I NEVER SAID those three words to ANYBODY.

Like when
My girls : I love you Hanishafizahhahatomatoblast
Me : iDly, which means "I don't love you"
My girls : I know it actually means "I DO love you". Hahaaa
They know I actually love them to bits!

Or when
My girls : I love you so much it hurts!
Me : You know I don't love you.
My girls : I know you love me too much you won't admit cause it hurts you too!
They know me so well. :')

Would you rather have somebody says they love you but never shows or somebody shows they love you but never says so?

A sad truth, I am the latter. I SHOW how much I love people, but I've never say it with words. God knows how the people around mean WORLD to me. I guess it is the same case as when I'm upset with my friends/loves, I cried instead of telling them I'm mad at them. And, I'm soooo not good with words. I don't (just) say, I show.

I'm a 'hugs' kind of person. ^.^

Deeply, I know. This doesn't make anything better pon. "Maybe you can start learning to say you love them. It is good for them to know that you love them as much as they love you." Aima's words hit me. I guess she's right.

To love someone, is a gift.

Please don't take this bad way but I want to say my love to people when I really mean it. Not because I think I need to say it for the sake of courtesy. You know what I mean? But to come and think of it, I actually DO love them. So what is the problem, Hanis Hafizah? I'm just to shy to admit. Yes. I indeed need to learn to be expressive with words. I've felt so much love. I think it's time for me to give them mine. :)

Once I said it to my sis
Me : I love you Alin
Alin : Haha. Kak Long dah kenapa? I can smell something fishy.
Me : ....
Alin : Haha. I love you too Kak Long btw.

Errr, I guess it was good, for a start? Heee.

I rarely say I LOVE YOU even to my family but God knows how I cannot live without them.

Tell me, am I ........ selfish? :(






p/s: If this is a pregnancy I would say "The 'first trimester' passed, unknowingly." Thank You.
       much love, Hanis Hafizah ♥

Cry Baby

now playing N Sync - This I Promise You

First of all, I think this post is one of the rubbish thoughts I've had in mind but I'm gonna write anyway. You can back off now but if you intend to stay and keep reading, it's your choice. I have no objection with either of that.

Growing up, I was NEVER a cry baby. I didn't recall any cryings I've made during my childhood. Oh, there's this one I remembered clearly. I was five and at my Tadika Perpaduan during that time. Pakai pinafore and stuffs. I really don't know why, but the boys, they LOVE teasing me and making me chase them around the class, I mean LITERALLY chasing and running, not that fangirl-kinda chasing alright you got my point. They pinched my cheeks until they turned bright red, stealing my oh so cool rulers and erasers and many more. I was so angry until one day I exploded when there was this one boy whom I believe the boys' leader pinched my cheeks and my arms after school. I was so angry I walked home crying! And to make things interesting, I had to pass by his house to get to my house and his parents were standing at the front door while I was passing. They were so furious seeing me crying and asked, "Pija, kenapa menangis ni?". I was sobbing like hella non stop I only managed to say "Anak Acik!!" and I ran home. Hahahaha.

But since that incident, I promised myself not to cry to boys ever again. I built myself to be super strong. And it actually worked! Don't mess with a five year old girl, man! And yeah, I never cried whenever I had fight with anybody anymore since then, throughout my whole eleven years in school.

When I was seven, the class monitor PUNCHED me in the face, out of blue. I was like "Woi apehal?". It was a good thing to laugh at, and definitely the main topic whenever he and I chatted, up until now. Sampai sekarang we both don't know why he punched me back then. But yeah, I didn't cry.

I only cry a few years after that; during the UPSR year. You know, when teachers do the pejam-mata-bayangkan-muka-mak-ayah-awak kinda things masa musim dekat-dekat exam yada yada. And I also cried when my bestfriends didn't get 5A's. Talking about friendship, huh? ;)

Masuk asrama pun tak nangis. Homesick? Pffft. Apa tu? I don't do homesick. Tak macho la weh. Those were pretty much my thought during high school. Kena marah kena ragging teruk dengan seniors pun tak nangis langsung. Though I was scolded for not crying, buat muka strong dan tabah (or they claimed muka kerek lol). 

Nangis sikit je on my last day in school, because I was moving to Intesaber masa Four Four, and I was crying because the whole block came down to sent me off, and all of them were crying and it would be weird if I'm the only one who's not crying lol joking joking I cried because I was touched of course. :') Love you guys Aspuri 18!!

Weh panjangnya mukadimah.

I think the first eighteen years of my existence I didn't do so much crying. But it all changed once I move to Penang to enter medical school. Then was when my soft side started to develop. I cried missing home. I cried missing my school girlfriends. I cried when study was hard. I cried when I know I haven't prepared enough for the exam. I cried seeing little kids crying. I cried watching movies. I cried watching sad dramas on telly. I cried when I'm angry because I can't yell to people I'm mad at because things would be worse so I kept silent it hurts so much I burst into tears.

Yes, reaching the age of twenty, I started to keep things bottled up. Because I know I can hurt people with my words when I'm angry. So I ended up crying, alone. The thing with me is, I don't like crying in front of other people. Because I look super ugly crying. Yup, childish reason but that's me. 

So I will sit in an empty room in fetal position and I will call my trusted ones; my crying shoulders. Over the phones, I can let it all out. But that's it. After that I will put a happy face in front of other people. Like nothing has happened. 

Another alternative if I ever need to cry is I always disguised it with a sad movie. I can cry for like EVERY SINGLE SAD SCENES IN EVERY MOVIES that freaking exist. There are a few movies that you can use up as an excuse for crying (like me heheh) such as Armageddon, The Time Traveller's Wife, Lovely Bones, Sam, Miracle in the Cell Number 7, Titanic (yeah hopeless romantic but I just need to list it down anyway), Charlie St Cloud, et cetera.

Tapi satu benda yang paling tak tahan is when I called Ayah mengadu penat study takut exam and stuffs, Ayah cool je kata "Kak Long kan kuat. Kak Long kan anak jantan Ayah." Dua ayat je. Terus bercucuran air mataku. Menangis lah lepas tu sejam tak berhenti. Memang anak Ayah betul ni. (Pstt, rindu Ayah huhu.)

But sometimes I just cannot hold myself. I needed to cry out my heart, I can instantly burst into tears when somebody asked "Are you okay?" and just hug me tight even before I answered them. Happened once during Kem Biro Tatanegara while I was waiting for my interview result to come out I was so freaking out; Salihah hugged me and I just cried non stop in her arms for a good twenty minutes. The facis were worried they thought my boyfriend was breaking up with me. I was like "Whattt. I was freaking about my college placement and you thought I only think about my boyfriend? Seriously?" Haha.

And once again lately I couldn't hold my tears, ternangis depan Ikang, dekat Quadrangle, in public. Punyalah cover muka tak nak bagi orang nampak. Ikang pun tak boleh nampak. "Jangan tengok, mascara smudge habis satu muka buruk gila" that was what I said. And Ikang made the smoothest move, she handed me a tissue and I cried even more. Such a cry baby, Hanis Hafizah.

Writing this post, I think I can conclude that medical school really made me tear up, like, A LOT. Since 2010. Tak pernah tak nangis dalam satu semester. And I can cry for weeks sebab kecewa dengan study performance. Now reaching 22, I cry really easily. My heart becomes softer (compared dengan zaman sekolah dulu, keras sangat). I am more ladylike now. I'm becoming more sensitive, with myself and with people around. I don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. I'm actually blaming aging hehe. You know that moment of silence, right after bagi salam lepas solat? I can cry abruptly at those times. Especially during hardships. Masa tu lah rasa hanya pertolongan Allah je yang boleh bagi tolong survive.

Indeed. Allah sahaja sebaik-baik tempat mengadu, tempat bergantung harap, dan pemberi pertolongan.

 

I actually need a good sweet escape like Connemara

P/s: Truth is, your girl cried again tonight. And she needs you.

Eid Mubarak From Galway!

Alhamdulillah. It's Eid again. My third raya in Galway, my second Eid Al-Adha. But didn't manage to perform solat sunat hari raya with the others this time round, because I have a morning class. Raya dalam lecture theater pon boleh. Haha T_____T 

One of the pictures is from the last night's event; Galway Bertakbir (pandai-pandai bagi nama hahah). And the other one is a (not-so) quick selfie I managed to snap after class today. I knew this Miss Selfridge' s floral dress will come in handy when I 'ran out' of baju kurung. Lol. So I just style it with a dark blue cardigan I got from Penneys, a turquoise pasmina, a Dorothy Perkin's headband for a 'princess-ey' effect (muehehe), my lovable pair of studded ankle boots and voilà, lari pergi class. Haha! Mood nak cantik-cantik masa hari raya mesti kena ada. Hiks.

Ps: Class ends at 6pm. And not a single raya food is eaten (yet) today. Bertabahlah duhai Anis Apizah!