All Those Shower Thoughts

I don't know about you, but most of my wisest (at least I thought they were wise) decisions and thoughts were made while I showered.

The one most popular topic while I showered every morning before going to class is "Outfit of The Day". Yes, I know. Truly a girl I am, blablabla. All those make up slash fashionista gurus out there that you may found in Youtube will usually suggest you plan your outfit the night before so that you don't have to rush the next morning. But it doesn't quite work with me. Okay, perhaps it works sometimes, especially when I have something REALLY big coming up, like hari raya or formal dinners sort of things, yeah, but with everyday class outfit, maybe not.

To my surprise (or maybe you are surprised too), sometimes I also thought about bigger things. Like

1. Where am I in ten years time? Will I be married and have kids, or still single?
2. Is it rational for me to have pets?
3. Will I make it to the last of my study and become a doctor one day?
4. If I didn't pick medicine, where would I be now?
5. Is it normal to gaze at the sky and be mesmerized with it, every time I looked up?
6. Why does rainbow makes people happy?
7. Why are people being so kind to me? I am not really kind anyway.
8. Do people always feel satisfaction during charity deeds, like I felt? Or it only hits certain people?
9. I love kids too much. What will happen if nauzubillah I couldn't have kids of my own?
10. Will I die young or will I live till my nineties? Will my death be sudden or because of a disease?
11. What are people thinking of me when they first saw me, and when they saw me like, for a year?
12. How does it feels like to have a brother?
13. Will I achieve my dream to travel the world?
14. Will I achieve my dream to settle down and live in a farm with my beloved ones till death do us apart, doing nothing but good deeds to people around and charity and serve the community, doing nothing but everything that makes me happy?
15. Can I sing really well?
16. How long more does it takes for me to be a good guitar player?
17. When will I finish reading all those books I bought? Or they will just end up in the library I build in my dream house?

I have so many thoughts inside me, but right now I couldn't think of a proper outro.

A Letter to My Future Daughter

now playing Sara Bareilles - Love Song

Bismillah.

Assalamualaikum my little princess. Ummm how do I write this? There's no occasion, really. I just suddenly feel like writing to you, although, you are not here, yet. But just so you know, I already fall in love with you. No, I'm not yet married, darling, and no, I'm not expecting (as in pregnant) a child right at this moment, but I do expect to have children in future, insyaAllah.

Sorry it gets a little awkward. This is my first time 'trying' to talk to my child actually (I don't have any experience on how it's like to have my own baby), so pardon me *wink*. And baby girl, your mother is an awkward-er, so, ummm hope you can deal with that.

Sayang, as for today, I have picked either Lilah or Sarah to be your name. Lilah, pronounced "Lai-la" simply means "night", while Sara means "princess". It is also the name of the wife of Prophet Ibrahim. These are two of my favorite names, I actually like simple names, and we'll leave this at here for this moment, as I need to discuss it with your father first, on which name will be yours, and would you have a middle name, we don't know that yet. 

And oh, speaking about your father....at this moment, I haven't met him yet. Really? I don' know. I mean, the only moment I can be sure that he is your father is when I'm married to him and bearing his child, do you get me? Sooooooo, right now, let's stick with "Only-Allah-knows-who'll-be-your-father". Alright alright I know I confused you so to make things clear; I'm writing this letter as a bachelorette. Ummmm maybe I have met your father. Maybe he was in my class, maybe I saw him in college, maybe we talked on the net. Or maybe we haven't encounter each other yet. Okay, time will comes for that, let's leave everything according to Allah's plan, shall we? :)

Alright, next thing. What should you call me? Few years back, I really love to be called "Bonda". Yeah I know, classic. UN-realistically classic. Haha. Maybe not "Mak". I call you grandmother "Mak". "Ibu" sounds cute, tho. "Mama" is not bad either. "Ummi", or "Mommy"? Right at this moment, I love these two the most. You can call me "Mi" for short. Isn't it cute? "Mi, I wanna eat bananas. Mi, I couldn't sleep. Mi, please hug me I'm scared."

I, will always hug you honey. When you're scared, or when you're sad. When you're utterly happy, or when you're just feeling restless in the heart. Your momma is a cuddly, huggable kind of girl, so you don't have to worry. I will hug you still, even if you feel like you don't need it anymore. These arms will always be your home. 

InsyaAllah, growing up, you will be the cutest girl. On the inside, as well as on the outside. You don't have to look like the society's "standardized" definition of pretty. You will have such a beautiful heart and the beauty inside you will glow. You will be pretty, just the way you are. You will love the tone your skin, the thickness of your hair, the type of your body, the size of your foot, the depth of your voice, you will love how your teeth show when you smile or laugh. I know this might sounds hard, believe me, I've been there, but trust me, you worth so much more than what other people think of you. Mommy is trying to tell you that "fair skin", "thigh gap", "hour glass figure", or "thick wavy hair"is not the only definition of beauty. You, being yourself, is beautiful. And I love you in any matter. 

Your mommy kinda has a dream of her own, like; keeping your hair very long when you're still a toddler so that you can rock all kind of hair styles you like while going out because before so long, you will start rocking those hijabs, according to syariah insyaAllah and I will say to myself "My princess is all grown up." I also would love it if you feel like learning to play musical instruments be it guitar or piano or both, I have no objection on that. It excites me though, as I had no chance learning those while I was a kid.

Or if you like to keep your hair short, or rather learn to swim than do musics, you can always tell me. I will always support you in whatever you do, as long as it brings no harm, I'll be you number one cheer leader. You can always choose your interest, or what you want to do when you grow up big enough to live on your own- what you wanna do for living, be it science or art, do whatever makes you happy. 

Just, remember, life ain't always sunshine. It's gonna rain, even with thunderstorm sometimes, but the moment you see those rainbows, nothing else matter; you just know, that day is your day.

Just, remember, when nothing works out, Mommy is always here. Daddy is always here. And Allah is always here. You are always welcomed home, I'll bake your favorite cookie, and we'll be having warm honey lemon tea at the balcony, figuring out life.

Till then, assalamualaikum.

P/s : Don't forget to oftenly wear that smile, you look gorgeous in it. :)

Lots and lots of overflowing love,

Your Mom

April 2nd 2014

Galway, Ireland

This is Auntie Jasmin and Mommy, we both believe that olives and good friends fix almost everything. Shot by Auntie Salihah, another strong lovely lady I'm thankful to be acquainted with. :)

Grow Up?

Let's not fuss over small things, shall we? Whenever you're feeling blue, remember that you have thousands more reasons to be happy.

You're after all, twenty two. :')

nowplaying GLEE - What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)

Sweater and Tea, You and Me.

"Okay, for this MMR shot, it does cause several side effects, you might have some headache or feel slight feverish. But the most important of all is that you're not pregnant while receiving this and you must must must not be pregnant for this following three to six weeks."

"Alright. Perfect. No problem. I can deal with that."

"No, I am perfectly serious." *looking straight into my eyes*

"So do I."

"Can you assure me that you'll not and never trying to get pregnant in these two months time?"


How do I say this, what if, I tell her, that I am not yet married and I don't do premarital sex? ;)
As I get to know more people, I also get to know there are huge gap in cultures and whatnots between me and the strangers but somehow I feel glad about that. At least I can always learn something new rather than just stick to one old agreement, one old perception. You know, get my neurons working, hear and listen more, choose to agree or disagree, things like that.


However, that's that and now I'm living the side effect. Heee. Not the major ones Alhamdulillah for that. I just feel lightheaded and it forces me to lay down on bed all day long. To top it up, today is perfectly sunny, with twelve degree Celsius of temperature outside. Oh how I wish I can just go out and play.

 

Instead, I tucked myself in the duvet, having my dose of Pride and Prejudice, and enjoying the sun that shines through my mighty window. Not so bad after all. Although, I much rather prefer being outside, at Claddagh, or at Menlo Castle perhaps. Oh not to be forgotten, my tea. People who know me should have known how much I love tea, how am I a tea person, and how do I drink my tea.

A not so cold day, the sun shines so brightly,me in my comfiest knit-sweater, a generous mug of tea. They make a perfect combo don't you think? 

Tea, is indeed, a hug in a mug. :)

"You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

                                                                                        -Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice-

Mr. Darcy: How are you this evening, my dear?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: Very well... although I wish you would not call me "my dear."
 
Mr. Darcy: [chuckles] Why?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: Because it's what my father always calls my mother when he's cross about something.
 
Mr. Darcy: What endearments am I allowed?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: Well let me think..."Lizzy" for every day, "My Pearl" for Sundays, and..."Goddess Divine"... but only on *very* special occasions.
 
Mr. Darcy: And... what should I call you when I am cross? Mrs. Darcy...?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: No! No. You may only call me "Mrs. Darcy"... when you are completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy.
 
Mr. Darcy: [he snickers] Then how are you this evening... Mrs. Darcy?
[kisses her on the forehead]
 
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy...

Oh how am I such a girl, such hopeless romantic. Now now now, can have a Mr Darcy of my own please? ;)

Zauj Dari Poland?

Che Ti : Haha, hang nak menikah dak?
Haha   : Hahh? Awat random sangat tanya soalan ni?
Che Ti : Hang ada calon dak lagi?
Haha    : Hang ni la Che Ti, bagilah aku lepaih grad dulu. Gheja dulu.

Dua jam kemudian....

Che Ti : Hang ingat lagi dak soalan aku tadi?
Haha    : Hat mana satu?
Che Ti : Hang tau dak, tadi tiba-tiba ada kawan aku bagi message kat FB tanya "kawan hang ada yang tengah cari zauj dak?" Aku rasa untuk hang ok ni. Boleh kot ni Haha.
Haha   : Errkkkk? *tak terkata*
Che Ti : Orang Poland. Polish. Muslim. Nak dak? Best ni. Mat saleh kot.
Haha    : Ambik kat hang la.
Che Ti : Tak mau la. Sat lagi mengamuk pak aku kalau aku nak menikah orang Poland.
Haha    : Abih tu hang ingat pak aku tak mengamuk?
Che Ti : Haha, hang nak zauj?
Haha    : Ya Allah Che Tiiiiiiiiii. Aku tak mau menikah lagi laaaaaaaa.

Dan Che Ti pun ketawa terbahak-bahak. Pastu bukak cerita koteow tomyam.



Aku tak paham la kenapa Che Ti ni suka suruh aku kahwin cepat-cepat. Tiap kali jumpa mesti suruh aku kahwin. Lawak la Che Ti ni. Masalahnya aku rasa macam baru semalam aku habis SPM so mana boleh nak ber-zauj-zauj lagi. Haha.

Ich Liebe Dich

There. I've said it. *sembunyi dalam duvet taknak keluar dah* :P ♥♥♥

Haha. People around me knows how I NEVER SAID those three words to ANYBODY.

Like when
My girls : I love you Hanishafizahhahatomatoblast
Me : iDly, which means "I don't love you"
My girls : I know it actually means "I DO love you". Hahaaa
They know I actually love them to bits!

Or when
My girls : I love you so much it hurts!
Me : You know I don't love you.
My girls : I know you love me too much you won't admit cause it hurts you too!
They know me so well. :')

Would you rather have somebody says they love you but never shows or somebody shows they love you but never says so?

A sad truth, I am the latter. I SHOW how much I love people, but I've never say it with words. God knows how the people around mean WORLD to me. I guess it is the same case as when I'm upset with my friends/loves, I cried instead of telling them I'm mad at them. And, I'm soooo not good with words. I don't (just) say, I show.

I'm a 'hugs' kind of person. ^.^

Deeply, I know. This doesn't make anything better pon. "Maybe you can start learning to say you love them. It is good for them to know that you love them as much as they love you." Aima's words hit me. I guess she's right.

To love someone, is a gift.

Please don't take this bad way but I want to say my love to people when I really mean it. Not because I think I need to say it for the sake of courtesy. You know what I mean? But to come and think of it, I actually DO love them. So what is the problem, Hanis Hafizah? I'm just to shy to admit. Yes. I indeed need to learn to be expressive with words. I've felt so much love. I think it's time for me to give them mine. :)

Once I said it to my sis
Me : I love you Alin
Alin : Haha. Kak Long dah kenapa? I can smell something fishy.
Me : ....
Alin : Haha. I love you too Kak Long btw.

Errr, I guess it was good, for a start? Heee.

I rarely say I LOVE YOU even to my family but God knows how I cannot live without them.

Tell me, am I ........ selfish? :(






p/s: If this is a pregnancy I would say "The 'first trimester' passed, unknowingly." Thank You.
       much love, Hanis Hafizah ♥

Cry Baby

now playing N Sync - This I Promise You

First of all, I think this post is one of the rubbish thoughts I've had in mind but I'm gonna write anyway. You can back off now but if you intend to stay and keep reading, it's your choice. I have no objection with either of that.

Growing up, I was NEVER a cry baby. I didn't recall any cryings I've made during my childhood. Oh, there's this one I remembered clearly. I was five and at my Tadika Perpaduan during that time. Pakai pinafore and stuffs. I really don't know why, but the boys, they LOVE teasing me and making me chase them around the class, I mean LITERALLY chasing and running, not that fangirl-kinda chasing alright you got my point. They pinched my cheeks until they turned bright red, stealing my oh so cool rulers and erasers and many more. I was so angry until one day I exploded when there was this one boy whom I believe the boys' leader pinched my cheeks and my arms after school. I was so angry I walked home crying! And to make things interesting, I had to pass by his house to get to my house and his parents were standing at the front door while I was passing. They were so furious seeing me crying and asked, "Pija, kenapa menangis ni?". I was sobbing like hella non stop I only managed to say "Anak Acik!!" and I ran home. Hahahaha.

But since that incident, I promised myself not to cry to boys ever again. I built myself to be super strong. And it actually worked! Don't mess with a five year old girl, man! And yeah, I never cried whenever I had fight with anybody anymore since then, throughout my whole eleven years in school.

When I was seven, the class monitor PUNCHED me in the face, out of blue. I was like "Woi apehal?". It was a good thing to laugh at, and definitely the main topic whenever he and I chatted, up until now. Sampai sekarang we both don't know why he punched me back then. But yeah, I didn't cry.

I only cry a few years after that; during the UPSR year. You know, when teachers do the pejam-mata-bayangkan-muka-mak-ayah-awak kinda things masa musim dekat-dekat exam yada yada. And I also cried when my bestfriends didn't get 5A's. Talking about friendship, huh? ;)

Masuk asrama pun tak nangis. Homesick? Pffft. Apa tu? I don't do homesick. Tak macho la weh. Those were pretty much my thought during high school. Kena marah kena ragging teruk dengan seniors pun tak nangis langsung. Though I was scolded for not crying, buat muka strong dan tabah (or they claimed muka kerek lol). 

Nangis sikit je on my last day in school, because I was moving to Intesaber masa Four Four, and I was crying because the whole block came down to sent me off, and all of them were crying and it would be weird if I'm the only one who's not crying lol joking joking I cried because I was touched of course. :') Love you guys Aspuri 18!!

Weh panjangnya mukadimah.

I think the first eighteen years of my existence I didn't do so much crying. But it all changed once I move to Penang to enter medical school. Then was when my soft side started to develop. I cried missing home. I cried missing my school girlfriends. I cried when study was hard. I cried when I know I haven't prepared enough for the exam. I cried seeing little kids crying. I cried watching movies. I cried watching sad dramas on telly. I cried when I'm angry because I can't yell to people I'm mad at because things would be worse so I kept silent it hurts so much I burst into tears.

Yes, reaching the age of twenty, I started to keep things bottled up. Because I know I can hurt people with my words when I'm angry. So I ended up crying, alone. The thing with me is, I don't like crying in front of other people. Because I look super ugly crying. Yup, childish reason but that's me. 

So I will sit in an empty room in fetal position and I will call my trusted ones; my crying shoulders. Over the phones, I can let it all out. But that's it. After that I will put a happy face in front of other people. Like nothing has happened. 

Another alternative if I ever need to cry is I always disguised it with a sad movie. I can cry for like EVERY SINGLE SAD SCENES IN EVERY MOVIES that freaking exist. There are a few movies that you can use up as an excuse for crying (like me heheh) such as Armageddon, The Time Traveller's Wife, Lovely Bones, Sam, Miracle in the Cell Number 7, Titanic (yeah hopeless romantic but I just need to list it down anyway), Charlie St Cloud, et cetera.

Tapi satu benda yang paling tak tahan is when I called Ayah mengadu penat study takut exam and stuffs, Ayah cool je kata "Kak Long kan kuat. Kak Long kan anak jantan Ayah." Dua ayat je. Terus bercucuran air mataku. Menangis lah lepas tu sejam tak berhenti. Memang anak Ayah betul ni. (Pstt, rindu Ayah huhu.)

But sometimes I just cannot hold myself. I needed to cry out my heart, I can instantly burst into tears when somebody asked "Are you okay?" and just hug me tight even before I answered them. Happened once during Kem Biro Tatanegara while I was waiting for my interview result to come out I was so freaking out; Salihah hugged me and I just cried non stop in her arms for a good twenty minutes. The facis were worried they thought my boyfriend was breaking up with me. I was like "Whattt. I was freaking about my college placement and you thought I only think about my boyfriend? Seriously?" Haha.

And once again lately I couldn't hold my tears, ternangis depan Ikang, dekat Quadrangle, in public. Punyalah cover muka tak nak bagi orang nampak. Ikang pun tak boleh nampak. "Jangan tengok, mascara smudge habis satu muka buruk gila" that was what I said. And Ikang made the smoothest move, she handed me a tissue and I cried even more. Such a cry baby, Hanis Hafizah.

Writing this post, I think I can conclude that medical school really made me tear up, like, A LOT. Since 2010. Tak pernah tak nangis dalam satu semester. And I can cry for weeks sebab kecewa dengan study performance. Now reaching 22, I cry really easily. My heart becomes softer (compared dengan zaman sekolah dulu, keras sangat). I am more ladylike now. I'm becoming more sensitive, with myself and with people around. I don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. I'm actually blaming aging hehe. You know that moment of silence, right after bagi salam lepas solat? I can cry abruptly at those times. Especially during hardships. Masa tu lah rasa hanya pertolongan Allah je yang boleh bagi tolong survive.

Indeed. Allah sahaja sebaik-baik tempat mengadu, tempat bergantung harap, dan pemberi pertolongan.

 

I actually need a good sweet escape like Connemara

P/s: Truth is, your girl cried again tonight. And she needs you.

Lovely Turkish Ladies

We are currently in Berlin city. There is a lot of Muslims in Berlin and most of them are Turkish. Later this evening we walked from Siegessäule (Victory Column) to the famous Brandenburger Tor (Brandenburg Gate). The road is closed for vehicles as they are preparing the street for New Year's Eve celebration, and many stalls were put up; mostly selling food, candies, games and whatnot.

We then saw a food stall with four ladies in hijab cooking inside. We  were so excited to see a halal food stall and we really wanted to try the food sold which seem like a German-Turkish food I don't really recall the name (it was quite long and tricky teehee).

They were two old ladies and two young ladies inside. The elders were cooking and the yongsters were more to entertain and serve the customers. Only one of them can speak a little English; the young and most beautiful one. So she was the one who explained us what their food basically are.

Suddenly the elders speak something to that young beautiful English speaker sister, something we could not understand (obviously) and they were pointing at me. And I was just being me, being all blurred and confused. Hahaa.

Her: Where are you from?
Us: Malaysia. Errr, Malizi (Malaysia in Arabic).
Them: MasyaAllah MasyaAllah. Eyes eyes.
Her: They said your eyes are so beautiful. So nice. MasyaAllah.
Me: Ohh. Urmm. Ohh. Err thank you. *insert awkwardness here*
Us: These are just contact lenses.
Me: These are basically not my real eyes. Hehe.
Her: Contact lenses? Really?

The elders didn't believe me. They even come closer to look directly into my eyes. Hahahaha. I had to held my eyes wide open for a few seconds until they take my words. Still, they went "MasyaAllah MasyaAllah".

They were like so amazed and amused with my 'eyes' which I have grey contacts on at this moment. And inside I was taking to myself,

"Aiyoo Auntie aiyoo Kakak, you are so much much much more beautiful than me lah. Your eyes your eyebrows your nose your tudung your face your make up your everything. DON'T YOU REALIZE YOU ARE FAR MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN ME?"

No joke. These lovely Turkish ladies are far prettier than me. Even the elders, they look beautiful. I hope these Turkish and Arab ladies aware that they were blessed with beautiful figures. :)

Ps: Something we noticed about these Turkish people, they use "MasyaAllah" very regularly. Like they ask one question, you answer, and they went all "MasyaAllah" with your reply. Which I think is something good. It somehow alarms me that I need to zikir and remember Allah more often. :)

My attempt to wear a scarf "Turkish style" *wink*

I'm A Woman And I'm Being One

 

People say women are complicated. It is true, I must say. I can't even understand myself, sometimes (referring to previous posts LOL). Haha. I just got back from Castlebar, stay rumah final meds for two nights. Godek-godek book shelf Kak Amal (she has A LOT of books yayy. Haha.) and I stumbled upon this book; "Why Men Marry Bitches". Hmmm interesting! I've heard about it before so it must be quite popular hehe. 

Read a few pages and then I said to myself "Must find this book someday kat mana-mana charity shop". Oh sekarang suka beli buku kat charity shop sebab

1) Obviously murah sangat. I can get any book I want (if I am lucky enough) from as low as 1 Euro (equals to MYR 4.33, yes I googled it)

2) Although the books are not new, sometimes I love an old version of a book, maybe a 1950 copy. It smells so good and nostalgic. :)

3) I believe that every books has their own 'story'. Not the story it tells but the story it holds. Once I bought a book that was read by a lady who has been bedridden for months due to an illness, so she spent all her time in hospital reading that book. It is interesting, don't you think? :)

Okay okay back to the picture. So I've been wanting to read this book. But it does not necessarily means that I'm being one, right? You know, bitches. Haha. Honestly I don't want to be a bitch, I mean, nobody does, am I right? :) I've heard that this book teaches women to be maybe a bit 'arrogant' (not in a bad way lah), play hard to get, not being passive and 'easy' to guys, stuffs like those. Maybe. I don't know. Guess I have to read it first to review. :)

So, are women complicated? Hlovate once quoted

"There is something far more complicated that E = mc2. It is called emotion."

True. I would like to rephrase. Emotional women are complicated. Women are already complicated in their normal form. Tapi mungkin dah fitrah, perempuan ni jenis yang banyak fikir, banyak risau, banyak tekanan. Guys will be like "Ek eleh, relax lah.". Maybe you guys can try being in our shoes (or stilettos :P). So a woman who is emotional is far more complicated. Guys, beware and be ready. Haha.

Ehem. So I've been acting like a woman A LOT lately (oh wait, I really am a woman haha). Sorry if I ever annoyed you with my "ladylike-acts-and-qualities". I am just being a woman. Sorry that I am not sorry. ;)

Love, Hanis Hafizah