A Letter to My Future Daughter

now playing Sara Bareilles - Love Song

Bismillah.

Assalamualaikum my little princess. Ummm how do I write this? There's no occasion, really. I just suddenly feel like writing to you, although, you are not here, yet. But just so you know, I already fall in love with you. No, I'm not yet married, darling, and no, I'm not expecting (as in pregnant) a child right at this moment, but I do expect to have children in future, insyaAllah.

Sorry it gets a little awkward. This is my first time 'trying' to talk to my child actually (I don't have any experience on how it's like to have my own baby), so pardon me *wink*. And baby girl, your mother is an awkward-er, so, ummm hope you can deal with that.

Sayang, as for today, I have picked either Lilah or Sarah to be your name. Lilah, pronounced "Lai-la" simply means "night", while Sara means "princess". It is also the name of the wife of Prophet Ibrahim. These are two of my favorite names, I actually like simple names, and we'll leave this at here for this moment, as I need to discuss it with your father first, on which name will be yours, and would you have a middle name, we don't know that yet. 

And oh, speaking about your father....at this moment, I haven't met him yet. Really? I don' know. I mean, the only moment I can be sure that he is your father is when I'm married to him and bearing his child, do you get me? Sooooooo, right now, let's stick with "Only-Allah-knows-who'll-be-your-father". Alright alright I know I confused you so to make things clear; I'm writing this letter as a bachelorette. Ummmm maybe I have met your father. Maybe he was in my class, maybe I saw him in college, maybe we talked on the net. Or maybe we haven't encounter each other yet. Okay, time will comes for that, let's leave everything according to Allah's plan, shall we? :)

Alright, next thing. What should you call me? Few years back, I really love to be called "Bonda". Yeah I know, classic. UN-realistically classic. Haha. Maybe not "Mak". I call you grandmother "Mak". "Ibu" sounds cute, tho. "Mama" is not bad either. "Ummi", or "Mommy"? Right at this moment, I love these two the most. You can call me "Mi" for short. Isn't it cute? "Mi, I wanna eat bananas. Mi, I couldn't sleep. Mi, please hug me I'm scared."

I, will always hug you honey. When you're scared, or when you're sad. When you're utterly happy, or when you're just feeling restless in the heart. Your momma is a cuddly, huggable kind of girl, so you don't have to worry. I will hug you still, even if you feel like you don't need it anymore. These arms will always be your home. 

InsyaAllah, growing up, you will be the cutest girl. On the inside, as well as on the outside. You don't have to look like the society's "standardized" definition of pretty. You will have such a beautiful heart and the beauty inside you will glow. You will be pretty, just the way you are. You will love the tone your skin, the thickness of your hair, the type of your body, the size of your foot, the depth of your voice, you will love how your teeth show when you smile or laugh. I know this might sounds hard, believe me, I've been there, but trust me, you worth so much more than what other people think of you. Mommy is trying to tell you that "fair skin", "thigh gap", "hour glass figure", or "thick wavy hair"is not the only definition of beauty. You, being yourself, is beautiful. And I love you in any matter. 

Your mommy kinda has a dream of her own, like; keeping your hair very long when you're still a toddler so that you can rock all kind of hair styles you like while going out because before so long, you will start rocking those hijabs, according to syariah insyaAllah and I will say to myself "My princess is all grown up." I also would love it if you feel like learning to play musical instruments be it guitar or piano or both, I have no objection on that. It excites me though, as I had no chance learning those while I was a kid.

Or if you like to keep your hair short, or rather learn to swim than do musics, you can always tell me. I will always support you in whatever you do, as long as it brings no harm, I'll be you number one cheer leader. You can always choose your interest, or what you want to do when you grow up big enough to live on your own- what you wanna do for living, be it science or art, do whatever makes you happy. 

Just, remember, life ain't always sunshine. It's gonna rain, even with thunderstorm sometimes, but the moment you see those rainbows, nothing else matter; you just know, that day is your day.

Just, remember, when nothing works out, Mommy is always here. Daddy is always here. And Allah is always here. You are always welcomed home, I'll bake your favorite cookie, and we'll be having warm honey lemon tea at the balcony, figuring out life.

Till then, assalamualaikum.

P/s : Don't forget to oftenly wear that smile, you look gorgeous in it. :)

Lots and lots of overflowing love,

Your Mom

April 2nd 2014

Galway, Ireland

This is Auntie Jasmin and Mommy, we both believe that olives and good friends fix almost everything. Shot by Auntie Salihah, another strong lovely lady I'm thankful to be acquainted with. :)

Poetry Feels

now playing Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah

A few weeks ago I stumbled across this one video on Youtube called "When Love Arrives".

 

It is a poem about the expectations and realities in love. And as cheesy as it might sounds, I am falling in love with this poem and of course, being a typical kid from Y generations, I started 'researching' (or more like 'Google-ing') the poets ; Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye. And Sarah became one of my favorites just in a matter of second.

 

Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to,
And love leaves exactly when love must.
When love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.”
If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her.
Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper,
“Thank you for stopping by.”

You know how I love poetry (previously I am obsessed with Lang Leav, still am tho, and her new book is coming!) and Sarah Kay's works are magnificent! This is another one of my favorites. :)

Love Letter from Toothbrush to Bicycle Tire

They told me that I was meant for the cleaner life, that you would drag me through the mud. They said that you would tread all over me, that they could see right through you, that you were full of hot air, that I would always be chasing, always watching you disappear after sleeker models, that it would be a vicious cycle.

But I know better. I know about your rough edges and I have seen your perfect curves, and I will fit into any spaces you let me. If loving you means getting dirty, bring on the grime, I will leave this porcelain home behind. I’m used to twice a day relationships, but with you, I’ll take all the time. And I know, we live in different world and we’re always really busy.

But in my dreams, you spin around me so fast I always wake up dizzy. So maybe one day you’ll grow tired of the road and roll on back to me. And when I blink my eyes into the morning, your smile will be the only thing I see.

I'm so buying her books!

Grow Up?

Let's not fuss over small things, shall we? Whenever you're feeling blue, remember that you have thousands more reasons to be happy.

You're after all, twenty two. :')

nowplaying GLEE - What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)

'Cause Baby You're a Firework.

I've always wanted to be that one kind of girl who teaches her little sister how to put her make up on, or how to style her tudung, or how to match her plain dress with a printed shawl. 

I've always wanted to be a girl who teaches her little sister how to deal with annoying boys in class, or how to survive high school. 

I've always wanted to be that kind of girl who wants to teach her little sister that life is all about rain, sunshine, and rainbow, who tells her that it is okay to cry over crappy things but never cry twice,  who tells her "Don't worry missy, I got your back.", who protects her.

They said "You can always choose your friends but you can never choose your family." But if I can ever choose my family, I'll stick with them, I'll never replace them. My little sister, she is my best bestest bestfriend. She teaches me the meaning of life more than I did her (betul ke ayat ni?). She's the bravest person to say "He doesn't seem nice. Kak Long, I don't like you going out with him." or that sort of things to my face. She is my everything and I can't imagine my life without her.

Happy Twentieth baby sister. You're always a baby to me. I love you so much. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Sweater and Tea, You and Me.

"Okay, for this MMR shot, it does cause several side effects, you might have some headache or feel slight feverish. But the most important of all is that you're not pregnant while receiving this and you must must must not be pregnant for this following three to six weeks."

"Alright. Perfect. No problem. I can deal with that."

"No, I am perfectly serious." *looking straight into my eyes*

"So do I."

"Can you assure me that you'll not and never trying to get pregnant in these two months time?"


How do I say this, what if, I tell her, that I am not yet married and I don't do premarital sex? ;)
As I get to know more people, I also get to know there are huge gap in cultures and whatnots between me and the strangers but somehow I feel glad about that. At least I can always learn something new rather than just stick to one old agreement, one old perception. You know, get my neurons working, hear and listen more, choose to agree or disagree, things like that.


However, that's that and now I'm living the side effect. Heee. Not the major ones Alhamdulillah for that. I just feel lightheaded and it forces me to lay down on bed all day long. To top it up, today is perfectly sunny, with twelve degree Celsius of temperature outside. Oh how I wish I can just go out and play.

 

Instead, I tucked myself in the duvet, having my dose of Pride and Prejudice, and enjoying the sun that shines through my mighty window. Not so bad after all. Although, I much rather prefer being outside, at Claddagh, or at Menlo Castle perhaps. Oh not to be forgotten, my tea. People who know me should have known how much I love tea, how am I a tea person, and how do I drink my tea.

A not so cold day, the sun shines so brightly,me in my comfiest knit-sweater, a generous mug of tea. They make a perfect combo don't you think? 

Tea, is indeed, a hug in a mug. :)

"You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

                                                                                        -Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice-

Mr. Darcy: How are you this evening, my dear?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: Very well... although I wish you would not call me "my dear."
 
Mr. Darcy: [chuckles] Why?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: Because it's what my father always calls my mother when he's cross about something.
 
Mr. Darcy: What endearments am I allowed?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: Well let me think..."Lizzy" for every day, "My Pearl" for Sundays, and..."Goddess Divine"... but only on *very* special occasions.
 
Mr. Darcy: And... what should I call you when I am cross? Mrs. Darcy...?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: No! No. You may only call me "Mrs. Darcy"... when you are completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy.
 
Mr. Darcy: [he snickers] Then how are you this evening... Mrs. Darcy?
[kisses her on the forehead]
 
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy...

Oh how am I such a girl, such hopeless romantic. Now now now, can have a Mr Darcy of my own please? ;)

Starry Night

now playing Jonas Brothers - Lovebug

I love stargazing.

Saya suka tengok bintang.

Alhamdulillah malam ni langit cantik sangat subhanallah! With an almost full moon, bintang berterabur, like literally sprinkling, and ombre-colored sky. Words can't describe how beautiful it was, neither a powerful camera lens. Eventually I made all my five housemates out to see the sky and  I made they glad that they came out to our backyard, they really did. ;)

 

The pictures don't do justice to the real view, seriously. These are they best shot we can make via a digital camera. All shaky and blurry LOL. We used Nisa's camera as shot trials with smartphones were to no avail. Amateurs allllll the way. Haha.

The best product of my humble Samsung smartphone.

At time like this, I wish I have a DSLR and know how to use it right to get the most beautiful shot. Like this 

Mind the crosses, focus on the sky.

I actually have seen a scene like this before, seeing sea of stars WITH MY NAKED EYES and spare me, the view is far far far more a-freaking-mazing than this screenshot. Wallahi. I was in a car at The Burren back then, it was pitch black and we even stopped the car just to stargaze for a moment. I really felt like crying that time because it was too beautiful. I couldn't stop praising God for giving me such great great experience. Subhanallah.

Ever since then, stargazing has became my favorite. Only then I knew that The Burren is one of the darkest area in Ireland so it is a famous place for stargazing and people go there every year for stargazing festivals and stuff.

Stargazing has always always always been in my wishlist. A proper stargazing. Lying on the ground, cuddling if possible (muehehe). Falling asleep while counting stars. Allah, it will be blissful.Someday, insyaAllah. :)

Cuaca Hatimu (ecchewahhh)

Side effect : May cause nausea.

Semalam lenaku diulit salju
Malamku kaku menahan beku
Fajar ini ku harung pula angin menderu
Hampir ku tersungkur menahan derasnya bayu
Muncul lalu hujan air batu penuh gempita
Perit di tubuh ku tahan jua
Sang suria muncul tidak semena
Lalu ku bertanya; "Pelangiku mana?"

Roller coaster cuaca di bumi bertuah ini
Seperti perasaanku
Yang dibaja sayangmu
Seperti hatimu
Yang sering berlagu rindu
Bukan sekali kau jeritkan batinmu itu
Sudah terlalu selalu! Tapi...

Kau seperti mentari di sini
Persis malu-malu namun masih sudi
Hadirnya sekejap-sekejap cuma
Tapi lekat di jiwa
Kalau mampu biarku peluk mentari itu
Biar dia rasa sayangku

"Pelangiku mana?"
Hujan, panas, dan hujan lagi
Aku rindu Pelangiku!

Gadismu ♥,
Hanis H Ismail,
Galway 20140201

Sajak tak jadi ni mihihihi >.<

Resepi Cheesy Baked Fish Pasta

now playing Inteam ft Munif Ahmad - Nur Kasih

Wahhh lagu. Nasyid sikit, kasi bersih sikit hati asyik dengar lagu lagha je hehe.

Disebabkan mengantuk dan tak nak tidur lepas Asar maka aku (pakai Aku kali ni ye) decide nak update resepi dish yang baru masak tadi. Sambil blog sambil minum hot green tea; konon-konon nak counter balik rasa bersalah makan makanan berlemak tadi so minum green tea sikit kasi detox gittew. 

Asal-asalnya nak buat 'Penne Chicken' iaitu makanan paling famous di restoran halal paling famous dalam kalangan Malaysian di Galway iaitu The High Cafe. Amboi banyaknya iaitu dia. 'Penne Chicken' ni basically pasta with cream sauce, dalam tu ada chicken breast and spinach, atas tabur grated cheese then bakar. Aku tak pernah order pun menu ni tapi raaaaaamai sangat suka. Aku rasa sikit, sedap lah jugak tapi creamy sangat cheq tak gemar sangat creamy-creamy ni. Hmmm aku ni bagi asam pedas je diamlah. Hari tu Salihah ada masak 'Penne Chicken' dekat Highfield, nampak macam senang je so apa kata kita try, detik hatiku.

Penne Chicken gambar ihsan Google

Kebetulan ada beli fresh cream hari tu, stok penne pun banyak dekat rumah ni. Oh bagi yang tak tahu, penne adalah sejenis pasta. Nak tengok rupa dipersilakan Google terima kasih. Boleh je nak guna pasta apa-apa sebenarnya. Macaroni, spiral, suka hati. Jangan guna spaghetti atau angel hair pulak, pelik bebenor rupanya tapi kalau nak buat pun mak jemah tak marah. :) Jangan confuse spaghetti dengan pasta tau. Spaghetti adalah pasta tapi pasta tak semestinya spaghetti. Faham ke? Faham-faham je lah. Takkan nak buat lecture pasal pasta pulak heheh.

Alamak chicken breast tak ada pulak. Tengok ada sea bass fish fillet dalam freezer. Kita bantai sahajork. Daripada 'Penne Chicken' jadi 'Baked Fish Pasta' pula. Sama aje, konsep dia ialah gantikan dada ayam dengan filet ikan siakap (itu sahaja ikan yang murah sikit dekat Galway ni, beli yang frozen je pun).

Jadi tanpa membuang masa, 

sukatan untuk 10 orang (saiz perut perempuan) makan :

Bahan-bahan:

500 g pasta

500 ml fresh cream

200 ml fresh milk

4 keping fish fillets

Butter

1 biji Bawang besar

4 ulas Bawang putih

*Beberapa batang celery sticks

*1 batang carrot besar

*Button mushrooms

*Cili api

Ground black pepper

Garam

Grated cheese

Cara-cara:

1. Rebus pasta, ikut instruction dekat packaging tu. Kalau aku biasanya masak air sampai mendidih, masukkan garam dalam sesudu kecik, masukkan pasta, lepas tu masukkan butter dalam sesudu besar. Tunggu la dalam 10-12 minit, kacau-kacau sikit kadang-kadang takut dia melekat dekat periuk. Agak-agak dah masak tu, angkat dan tos.

2. Disebabkan aku suka multitasking, sementara nak tunggu pasta tu masak, lumur fish fillet dengan garam dan sedikit ground black pepper, bakar dalam suhu 180 darjah Celcius sampai agak-agak masak. Aku punya makan 20 minit la jugak. Takpe dia duduk diam-diam je dalam oven tu, so kita boleh buat benda lain. Jangan sampai terlupa pulak, nanti dapat ikan berperisa arang. Kalau nak goreng ikan pun boleh juga, suka hati lah.

3. Sementara tu boleh multitasking lagi. Kita buat sos krim dia pulak. Guna periuk yang besar sikit, nanti senang kita nak campur pasta dia dalam tu. Takpe nanti mak jemah cerita. Dalam periuk cairkan dua sudu buter, then tumis bawang besar dan bawang putih yang telah dicincang. 

4. Bila dah layu bawangnya, masukkan dua sudu besar tepung gandum. Ini optional. Aku tak tau apa rasional dia tapi orang lain buat macam tu so kita ikut sahajork. Kalau tak letak tepung pun okay je rasanya. Kacau kacau kacau sampai tepung tu masak, jaga-jaga sikit nanti dia lekat kat periuk dan hangit, disaster. 

5. Masukkan pula fresh cream. Dia memang berketul mula-mula tapi kacau je buat relax je nanti dia okay insyaAllah. Kemudian masukkan fresh milk, kasi dia cair sikit, tak adalah masa makan tu rasa berlemak sangat macam nak kena sakit jantung hehe.

6. Masukkan sayur-sayur (yang bertanda *). Sebenarnya sayur apa-apa pun boleh. Apa-apa yang ada dalam peti ais tu campak sahaja. Brokoli, bayam, boleh. Kailan ke bak choy ke tak sure pulak, macam pelik je. Cili api tu optional, tapi disebabkan hidupku tak bermakna tanpamu di sisiku duhai cili api maka aku letaklah bagi kick sikit. Lidah Melayu kata ko. :D

7. Perasakan dengan garam dan ground black pepper. Kacau-kacau lah kuah tu sampai masak.

8. Last sekali, masukkan segenggam grated cheese, atau cheese yang orang tabur atas pizza tu. Bukan philadelphia, itu orang buat cheese cake. -.- Grated cheese ni bagi effect pasta kau bertali-tali gittew. Ahhh rindu Pizza Hut! Kacau-kacau lagi agak-agak cheese tu dah larut, matikan api (kalau dapur kau dapur gas lah, mat saleh punya dapur electric u'olls).

9. At this stage boleh masukkan pasta yang dah direbus tadi. Alamak tak muat periuk? Periuk kecik sangat? Jangan risau beb. Benda boleh setel. Campur je pasta dan kuah tadi dalam mana-manalah bekas yang muat. Hehe. Kacau-kacau sehingga sebati dan setiap individu pasta diselaputi sos. Gittew. Ingat lagi tak ikan panggang tadi? Potong ikan dalam bite size, gaulkan sekali dengan pasta dan sos. Aku cadangkan masuk ikan last sekali sebab ikan ni mudah hancur. Tuang semua 'adunan' ke dalam loyang atau baking dish, tabur balance grated cheese tadi. Letaklah banyak mana pun, waima nak buat gunung cheese pun dipersilakan. Takde hal bro.

10. Bakar dalam oven suhu 180 darjah Celcius, lebih kurang 5-10 minit, atau sampai cheese atas tu cair dan garing. Boleh lah diangkat dan dihidang, jangan lupa telan air liur. Mehehe.

Senang aje kan? Yang tak reti masak pun insyaAllah boleh masak dengan jayanya. Resepi ni aku bantai-bantai, campak-campak, agak-agak je. Modify sini sikit sana sikit. Kita guna je apa yang ada kat rumah. Aku memang pakar bab ganti-ganti barang ni. Kalau takde butter boleh ganti dengan vegetable oil. Kalau taknak ikan, nak guna chicken breast tadi, masukkan chuncks of chicken breast (tak bakar dulu pun tak apa) lepas step 5. Kalau nak tau, aku buat carbonara pun macam ni jugak caranya, sebijik. Makanan mat saleh ni ulang-ulang benda yang sama je sebenarnya hehe.

Maaflah rupa tak semenggah mana. Dah habis separuh housemates makan baru sempat tangkap gambar. Kesian anak-anakku kelaparan semuanya. Hehe.

Selamat mencuba. Kalau dah cuba bagi tahu cheq. Nak bagi rasa pun dialu-alukan. Hewhew. Adios!

now playing Mecca2Medina ft Raihan - Do You Know Him

Ich Liebe Dich

There. I've said it. *sembunyi dalam duvet taknak keluar dah* :P ♥♥♥

Haha. People around me knows how I NEVER SAID those three words to ANYBODY.

Like when
My girls : I love you Hanishafizahhahatomatoblast
Me : iDly, which means "I don't love you"
My girls : I know it actually means "I DO love you". Hahaaa
They know I actually love them to bits!

Or when
My girls : I love you so much it hurts!
Me : You know I don't love you.
My girls : I know you love me too much you won't admit cause it hurts you too!
They know me so well. :')

Would you rather have somebody says they love you but never shows or somebody shows they love you but never says so?

A sad truth, I am the latter. I SHOW how much I love people, but I've never say it with words. God knows how the people around mean WORLD to me. I guess it is the same case as when I'm upset with my friends/loves, I cried instead of telling them I'm mad at them. And, I'm soooo not good with words. I don't (just) say, I show.

I'm a 'hugs' kind of person. ^.^

Deeply, I know. This doesn't make anything better pon. "Maybe you can start learning to say you love them. It is good for them to know that you love them as much as they love you." Aima's words hit me. I guess she's right.

To love someone, is a gift.

Please don't take this bad way but I want to say my love to people when I really mean it. Not because I think I need to say it for the sake of courtesy. You know what I mean? But to come and think of it, I actually DO love them. So what is the problem, Hanis Hafizah? I'm just to shy to admit. Yes. I indeed need to learn to be expressive with words. I've felt so much love. I think it's time for me to give them mine. :)

Once I said it to my sis
Me : I love you Alin
Alin : Haha. Kak Long dah kenapa? I can smell something fishy.
Me : ....
Alin : Haha. I love you too Kak Long btw.

Errr, I guess it was good, for a start? Heee.

I rarely say I LOVE YOU even to my family but God knows how I cannot live without them.

Tell me, am I ........ selfish? :(






p/s: If this is a pregnancy I would say "The 'first trimester' passed, unknowingly." Thank You.
       much love, Hanis Hafizah ♥

Cry Baby

now playing N Sync - This I Promise You

First of all, I think this post is one of the rubbish thoughts I've had in mind but I'm gonna write anyway. You can back off now but if you intend to stay and keep reading, it's your choice. I have no objection with either of that.

Growing up, I was NEVER a cry baby. I didn't recall any cryings I've made during my childhood. Oh, there's this one I remembered clearly. I was five and at my Tadika Perpaduan during that time. Pakai pinafore and stuffs. I really don't know why, but the boys, they LOVE teasing me and making me chase them around the class, I mean LITERALLY chasing and running, not that fangirl-kinda chasing alright you got my point. They pinched my cheeks until they turned bright red, stealing my oh so cool rulers and erasers and many more. I was so angry until one day I exploded when there was this one boy whom I believe the boys' leader pinched my cheeks and my arms after school. I was so angry I walked home crying! And to make things interesting, I had to pass by his house to get to my house and his parents were standing at the front door while I was passing. They were so furious seeing me crying and asked, "Pija, kenapa menangis ni?". I was sobbing like hella non stop I only managed to say "Anak Acik!!" and I ran home. Hahahaha.

But since that incident, I promised myself not to cry to boys ever again. I built myself to be super strong. And it actually worked! Don't mess with a five year old girl, man! And yeah, I never cried whenever I had fight with anybody anymore since then, throughout my whole eleven years in school.

When I was seven, the class monitor PUNCHED me in the face, out of blue. I was like "Woi apehal?". It was a good thing to laugh at, and definitely the main topic whenever he and I chatted, up until now. Sampai sekarang we both don't know why he punched me back then. But yeah, I didn't cry.

I only cry a few years after that; during the UPSR year. You know, when teachers do the pejam-mata-bayangkan-muka-mak-ayah-awak kinda things masa musim dekat-dekat exam yada yada. And I also cried when my bestfriends didn't get 5A's. Talking about friendship, huh? ;)

Masuk asrama pun tak nangis. Homesick? Pffft. Apa tu? I don't do homesick. Tak macho la weh. Those were pretty much my thought during high school. Kena marah kena ragging teruk dengan seniors pun tak nangis langsung. Though I was scolded for not crying, buat muka strong dan tabah (or they claimed muka kerek lol). 

Nangis sikit je on my last day in school, because I was moving to Intesaber masa Four Four, and I was crying because the whole block came down to sent me off, and all of them were crying and it would be weird if I'm the only one who's not crying lol joking joking I cried because I was touched of course. :') Love you guys Aspuri 18!!

Weh panjangnya mukadimah.

I think the first eighteen years of my existence I didn't do so much crying. But it all changed once I move to Penang to enter medical school. Then was when my soft side started to develop. I cried missing home. I cried missing my school girlfriends. I cried when study was hard. I cried when I know I haven't prepared enough for the exam. I cried seeing little kids crying. I cried watching movies. I cried watching sad dramas on telly. I cried when I'm angry because I can't yell to people I'm mad at because things would be worse so I kept silent it hurts so much I burst into tears.

Yes, reaching the age of twenty, I started to keep things bottled up. Because I know I can hurt people with my words when I'm angry. So I ended up crying, alone. The thing with me is, I don't like crying in front of other people. Because I look super ugly crying. Yup, childish reason but that's me. 

So I will sit in an empty room in fetal position and I will call my trusted ones; my crying shoulders. Over the phones, I can let it all out. But that's it. After that I will put a happy face in front of other people. Like nothing has happened. 

Another alternative if I ever need to cry is I always disguised it with a sad movie. I can cry for like EVERY SINGLE SAD SCENES IN EVERY MOVIES that freaking exist. There are a few movies that you can use up as an excuse for crying (like me heheh) such as Armageddon, The Time Traveller's Wife, Lovely Bones, Sam, Miracle in the Cell Number 7, Titanic (yeah hopeless romantic but I just need to list it down anyway), Charlie St Cloud, et cetera.

Tapi satu benda yang paling tak tahan is when I called Ayah mengadu penat study takut exam and stuffs, Ayah cool je kata "Kak Long kan kuat. Kak Long kan anak jantan Ayah." Dua ayat je. Terus bercucuran air mataku. Menangis lah lepas tu sejam tak berhenti. Memang anak Ayah betul ni. (Pstt, rindu Ayah huhu.)

But sometimes I just cannot hold myself. I needed to cry out my heart, I can instantly burst into tears when somebody asked "Are you okay?" and just hug me tight even before I answered them. Happened once during Kem Biro Tatanegara while I was waiting for my interview result to come out I was so freaking out; Salihah hugged me and I just cried non stop in her arms for a good twenty minutes. The facis were worried they thought my boyfriend was breaking up with me. I was like "Whattt. I was freaking about my college placement and you thought I only think about my boyfriend? Seriously?" Haha.

And once again lately I couldn't hold my tears, ternangis depan Ikang, dekat Quadrangle, in public. Punyalah cover muka tak nak bagi orang nampak. Ikang pun tak boleh nampak. "Jangan tengok, mascara smudge habis satu muka buruk gila" that was what I said. And Ikang made the smoothest move, she handed me a tissue and I cried even more. Such a cry baby, Hanis Hafizah.

Writing this post, I think I can conclude that medical school really made me tear up, like, A LOT. Since 2010. Tak pernah tak nangis dalam satu semester. And I can cry for weeks sebab kecewa dengan study performance. Now reaching 22, I cry really easily. My heart becomes softer (compared dengan zaman sekolah dulu, keras sangat). I am more ladylike now. I'm becoming more sensitive, with myself and with people around. I don't know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing. I'm actually blaming aging hehe. You know that moment of silence, right after bagi salam lepas solat? I can cry abruptly at those times. Especially during hardships. Masa tu lah rasa hanya pertolongan Allah je yang boleh bagi tolong survive.

Indeed. Allah sahaja sebaik-baik tempat mengadu, tempat bergantung harap, dan pemberi pertolongan.

 

I actually need a good sweet escape like Connemara

P/s: Truth is, your girl cried again tonight. And she needs you.

You Are Loved

You are actually loved.

Somewhere in this world, there must be, must be, somebody who loves you endlessly, unconditionally, who loves you in any matter. Who will love you regardless of your grade, your look, or your weight. Who loves you the way you are. There must be somebody. It can be your parents, your friends, or somebody who can see the world in your eyes.

It is either they love you with you knowing, or without.

Just, keep on believing. There must be somebody. They are special. Cherish them.
And you are special to them. You are loved.

Calton Hill, Edinburgh. Winter2012

#nowplaying Everybody by Ingrid Michaelson

Be My Wonderwall?

20131005/20131006. A clashing between these two. Blame the distance and time difference. Date doesn't matter anyway. I believe it started looooooong time before, I don't even remember when. Some people says, "When you know, you know."
P/s: Lets just keep the corny cheesy stuffs to ourselves. *wink*

And all the roads we have to walk are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I
Would like to say to you but I don't know how
Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me
And after all, you're my wonderwall

-Oasis-

So I was asked; What does "be my worderwall" means? To be honest, I was not sure my self. One thing for sure, I love the song Wonderwall by Oasis. I looked up for the meaning, it was all confusing I decided to give up. Haha.

I looked up for the meaning again today and these are what I got:

1. Some one who you find yourself thinking about all the time, the person who you are completely infatuated with. The one that you look for on your buddylist everytime you sign online. The one who has a heart next to their name in your phone book. The person that you find yourself completely head over heals for. - Aimee Lynne, Urban Dictionary

Oh my god. Cut the cheese please. Too much jiwangness to handle. Eh? Ehem. *cough cough*

2. Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me. And after all, you're my wonderwall. (You've always been there for me holding me up while I have been so sick). 

This is an interpretation of a wife, her husband died of brain tumor, and the song was his favorite. Don't cry Hanis Hafizah.

3. Anything that makes you happy or brightens your day. From the smallest thing to someone who means a lot to you. - Noel Gallagher

It is simpler this way, I'd say.


So what does "be my wonderwall" means to me?
Frankly I don't know how put it into words. Protector? Yes, you can also put it that way. One thing for sure, Wonderwall is Special. Just like my rainbows. :)
Gosh, I am never good with words! Sorry that I am a hopeless and helpless romantic? Ohmy, I'm so awkward.

Double rainbow and the happiest of me.

Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

-John Denver-

Let's pray for the best?
*blush*

Love,

Hanis Hafizah