Anish Apijah nak jadi apa?

Masa sekolah rendah cikgu suruh tulis karangan 'Cita-cita Saya', confident je tulis "guru yang berdedikasi, ingin mendidik anak bangsa, yadayadayada". Lepas tu up sikit, tukar, nak jadi pensyarah pulak. Cikgu tanya "Hanis, awak nak jadi pensyarah apa?" Cikgu Rosliadi nama dia. Confident jugak jawab "Pensyarah ugama, cikgu!" Haha 😂😂😂.

Makin tambah umur makin bertukar-tukar cita-cita. Pernah nak jadi Engineer (dah isi pun borang nak masuk sekolah teknik), Architect (sebab tengok abang Form Five macam cool buat Lukisan Kejuruteraan), Pakar Forensik kerja dengan polis (sebab selalu sangat tengok CSI), pernah rasa nak jadi cikgu again - Guru Add Math (sebab masa tu pergi Perfect Score SBP Add Math), and pernah jugak nak jadi Chemist (sebab suka Kimia gila gila gila). 😁

Last-last lepas SPM sambung medik. 💉 Alhamdulillah, enjoy je and the experiences are magnificent. 😊 And now dah halfway through dengan Medicine, masih lagi tanya diri sendiri, betul ke nak jadi Doktor ni? Sebab sometimes rasa tak yakin dengan keupayaan diri sendiri. 

But what can we do is berusaha je sesungguh hati dan selalu jugak berdoa dengan Tuhan semoga dipermudahkan jalan yang kita dah pilih, or show us the right pathway in our future life, sebab after all, Dia je yang Maha Mengetahui segala rahsia di langit dan di bumi. 😇

Yang penting, usaha! Ada rezeki, alhamdulilah. Kalau takde, kita reroute. 😉 (tengok-tengok nanti Anish Apijah jadi Perdana Menteri ahahahahahhahaaha)

P/s : macam biasa stethoscope pinjam 😜
P/s/s : #throwback gambar masa OSCE tahun lepas, cuak gila and tak perasan pun OSCE jatuh on my birthday, sampai la the examiner doctor (my crush lol) check student card and cakap "Congratulations, you are done. Happy Birthday!" sambil senyum kasi cair satu kali. Kah! 😂

Sorry That I Rambled

I don't know. Maybe I've kept too many things bottled up for these past few weeks. 
This is a hard path, it really is, and I acknowledge that. I don't know how other people survive this, but I've tried so hard to make sure that I TRY my best to make the most of it. And I've been improving, rather a lot than the last time. But when I think I've had given my all, the reality hits me hard, on the face. 

Bersedia dari awal. Burnt the midnight oil if I had to. Made sure to go through everything before the class/tutorial/practical starts. Prepare myself because I know nak setaraf dengan kawan2 yang lagi pandai ni, it takes hard work. Ilmu tak datang golek-golek macam tu je, that one I know. But the thing is, kau rasa kau dah bersedia, and when the real time comes, rupanya ada sejuta lagi benda yang kau tak tahu. That's a part of learning process, again, that one, I know. Tapi when it comes to feeling inferior, and insecurity, I guess we just can't help it, eh?

Bukannya jealous dengan orang yang lagi pandai, tapi disappointed dengan diri sendiri sebab... tak tau sebab apa. Sebab ilmu tak cukup tinggi macam orang lain maybe? And why are we comparing ourselves with other people, is another question I couldn't answer. It hurts so much harder when you're mad with yourself. Disappointed with your own self. When you're feeling overwhelmed, and incompetent, and like you don't belong. When you think that you've work hard enough but apparently your enough is not enough enough.

I know, I should not focus on the bad things but need to see on great things I've accomplished so far. To feel tired, to complain is definitely not an option. But little did I know being positive is quite a hard work itself. To tell myself that everything's gonna be okay is rather a hard work itself. And to live up to people's expectations is a hard work itself.

May Allah give me strength, give us strength.
I'm sorry that there's too much negativity in this post. I just need to let it all out. Night. (I'm fine.)

All Those Shower Thoughts

I don't know about you, but most of my wisest (at least I thought they were wise) decisions and thoughts were made while I showered.

The one most popular topic while I showered every morning before going to class is "Outfit of The Day". Yes, I know. Truly a girl I am, blablabla. All those make up slash fashionista gurus out there that you may found in Youtube will usually suggest you plan your outfit the night before so that you don't have to rush the next morning. But it doesn't quite work with me. Okay, perhaps it works sometimes, especially when I have something REALLY big coming up, like hari raya or formal dinners sort of things, yeah, but with everyday class outfit, maybe not.

To my surprise (or maybe you are surprised too), sometimes I also thought about bigger things. Like

1. Where am I in ten years time? Will I be married and have kids, or still single?
2. Is it rational for me to have pets?
3. Will I make it to the last of my study and become a doctor one day?
4. If I didn't pick medicine, where would I be now?
5. Is it normal to gaze at the sky and be mesmerized with it, every time I looked up?
6. Why does rainbow makes people happy?
7. Why are people being so kind to me? I am not really kind anyway.
8. Do people always feel satisfaction during charity deeds, like I felt? Or it only hits certain people?
9. I love kids too much. What will happen if nauzubillah I couldn't have kids of my own?
10. Will I die young or will I live till my nineties? Will my death be sudden or because of a disease?
11. What are people thinking of me when they first saw me, and when they saw me like, for a year?
12. How does it feels like to have a brother?
13. Will I achieve my dream to travel the world?
14. Will I achieve my dream to settle down and live in a farm with my beloved ones till death do us apart, doing nothing but good deeds to people around and charity and serve the community, doing nothing but everything that makes me happy?
15. Can I sing really well?
16. How long more does it takes for me to be a good guitar player?
17. When will I finish reading all those books I bought? Or they will just end up in the library I build in my dream house?

I have so many thoughts inside me, but right now I couldn't think of a proper outro.

A Letter to My Future Daughter

now playing Sara Bareilles - Love Song

Bismillah.

Assalamualaikum my little princess. Ummm how do I write this? There's no occasion, really. I just suddenly feel like writing to you, although, you are not here, yet. But just so you know, I already fall in love with you. No, I'm not yet married, darling, and no, I'm not expecting (as in pregnant) a child right at this moment, but I do expect to have children in future, insyaAllah.

Sorry it gets a little awkward. This is my first time 'trying' to talk to my child actually (I don't have any experience on how it's like to have my own baby), so pardon me *wink*. And baby girl, your mother is an awkward-er, so, ummm hope you can deal with that.

Sayang, as for today, I have picked either Lilah or Sarah to be your name. Lilah, pronounced "Lai-la" simply means "night", while Sara means "princess". It is also the name of the wife of Prophet Ibrahim. These are two of my favorite names, I actually like simple names, and we'll leave this at here for this moment, as I need to discuss it with your father first, on which name will be yours, and would you have a middle name, we don't know that yet. 

And oh, speaking about your father....at this moment, I haven't met him yet. Really? I don' know. I mean, the only moment I can be sure that he is your father is when I'm married to him and bearing his child, do you get me? Sooooooo, right now, let's stick with "Only-Allah-knows-who'll-be-your-father". Alright alright I know I confused you so to make things clear; I'm writing this letter as a bachelorette. Ummmm maybe I have met your father. Maybe he was in my class, maybe I saw him in college, maybe we talked on the net. Or maybe we haven't encounter each other yet. Okay, time will comes for that, let's leave everything according to Allah's plan, shall we? :)

Alright, next thing. What should you call me? Few years back, I really love to be called "Bonda". Yeah I know, classic. UN-realistically classic. Haha. Maybe not "Mak". I call you grandmother "Mak". "Ibu" sounds cute, tho. "Mama" is not bad either. "Ummi", or "Mommy"? Right at this moment, I love these two the most. You can call me "Mi" for short. Isn't it cute? "Mi, I wanna eat bananas. Mi, I couldn't sleep. Mi, please hug me I'm scared."

I, will always hug you honey. When you're scared, or when you're sad. When you're utterly happy, or when you're just feeling restless in the heart. Your momma is a cuddly, huggable kind of girl, so you don't have to worry. I will hug you still, even if you feel like you don't need it anymore. These arms will always be your home. 

InsyaAllah, growing up, you will be the cutest girl. On the inside, as well as on the outside. You don't have to look like the society's "standardized" definition of pretty. You will have such a beautiful heart and the beauty inside you will glow. You will be pretty, just the way you are. You will love the tone your skin, the thickness of your hair, the type of your body, the size of your foot, the depth of your voice, you will love how your teeth show when you smile or laugh. I know this might sounds hard, believe me, I've been there, but trust me, you worth so much more than what other people think of you. Mommy is trying to tell you that "fair skin", "thigh gap", "hour glass figure", or "thick wavy hair"is not the only definition of beauty. You, being yourself, is beautiful. And I love you in any matter. 

Your mommy kinda has a dream of her own, like; keeping your hair very long when you're still a toddler so that you can rock all kind of hair styles you like while going out because before so long, you will start rocking those hijabs, according to syariah insyaAllah and I will say to myself "My princess is all grown up." I also would love it if you feel like learning to play musical instruments be it guitar or piano or both, I have no objection on that. It excites me though, as I had no chance learning those while I was a kid.

Or if you like to keep your hair short, or rather learn to swim than do musics, you can always tell me. I will always support you in whatever you do, as long as it brings no harm, I'll be you number one cheer leader. You can always choose your interest, or what you want to do when you grow up big enough to live on your own- what you wanna do for living, be it science or art, do whatever makes you happy. 

Just, remember, life ain't always sunshine. It's gonna rain, even with thunderstorm sometimes, but the moment you see those rainbows, nothing else matter; you just know, that day is your day.

Just, remember, when nothing works out, Mommy is always here. Daddy is always here. And Allah is always here. You are always welcomed home, I'll bake your favorite cookie, and we'll be having warm honey lemon tea at the balcony, figuring out life.

Till then, assalamualaikum.

P/s : Don't forget to oftenly wear that smile, you look gorgeous in it. :)

Lots and lots of overflowing love,

Your Mom

April 2nd 2014

Galway, Ireland

This is Auntie Jasmin and Mommy, we both believe that olives and good friends fix almost everything. Shot by Auntie Salihah, another strong lovely lady I'm thankful to be acquainted with. :)

Poetry Feels

now playing Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah

A few weeks ago I stumbled across this one video on Youtube called "When Love Arrives".

 

It is a poem about the expectations and realities in love. And as cheesy as it might sounds, I am falling in love with this poem and of course, being a typical kid from Y generations, I started 'researching' (or more like 'Google-ing') the poets ; Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye. And Sarah became one of my favorites just in a matter of second.

 

Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to,
And love leaves exactly when love must.
When love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.”
If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her.
Turn off the music, listen to the quiet, whisper,
“Thank you for stopping by.”

You know how I love poetry (previously I am obsessed with Lang Leav, still am tho, and her new book is coming!) and Sarah Kay's works are magnificent! This is another one of my favorites. :)

Love Letter from Toothbrush to Bicycle Tire

They told me that I was meant for the cleaner life, that you would drag me through the mud. They said that you would tread all over me, that they could see right through you, that you were full of hot air, that I would always be chasing, always watching you disappear after sleeker models, that it would be a vicious cycle.

But I know better. I know about your rough edges and I have seen your perfect curves, and I will fit into any spaces you let me. If loving you means getting dirty, bring on the grime, I will leave this porcelain home behind. I’m used to twice a day relationships, but with you, I’ll take all the time. And I know, we live in different world and we’re always really busy.

But in my dreams, you spin around me so fast I always wake up dizzy. So maybe one day you’ll grow tired of the road and roll on back to me. And when I blink my eyes into the morning, your smile will be the only thing I see.

I'm so buying her books!

Grow Up?

Let's not fuss over small things, shall we? Whenever you're feeling blue, remember that you have thousands more reasons to be happy.

You're after all, twenty two. :')

nowplaying GLEE - What Doesn't Kill You (Stronger)

'Cause Baby You're a Firework.

I've always wanted to be that one kind of girl who teaches her little sister how to put her make up on, or how to style her tudung, or how to match her plain dress with a printed shawl. 

I've always wanted to be a girl who teaches her little sister how to deal with annoying boys in class, or how to survive high school. 

I've always wanted to be that kind of girl who wants to teach her little sister that life is all about rain, sunshine, and rainbow, who tells her that it is okay to cry over crappy things but never cry twice,  who tells her "Don't worry missy, I got your back.", who protects her.

They said "You can always choose your friends but you can never choose your family." But if I can ever choose my family, I'll stick with them, I'll never replace them. My little sister, she is my best bestest bestfriend. She teaches me the meaning of life more than I did her (betul ke ayat ni?). She's the bravest person to say "He doesn't seem nice. Kak Long, I don't like you going out with him." or that sort of things to my face. She is my everything and I can't imagine my life without her.

Happy Twentieth baby sister. You're always a baby to me. I love you so much. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Sweater and Tea, You and Me.

"Okay, for this MMR shot, it does cause several side effects, you might have some headache or feel slight feverish. But the most important of all is that you're not pregnant while receiving this and you must must must not be pregnant for this following three to six weeks."

"Alright. Perfect. No problem. I can deal with that."

"No, I am perfectly serious." *looking straight into my eyes*

"So do I."

"Can you assure me that you'll not and never trying to get pregnant in these two months time?"


How do I say this, what if, I tell her, that I am not yet married and I don't do premarital sex? ;)
As I get to know more people, I also get to know there are huge gap in cultures and whatnots between me and the strangers but somehow I feel glad about that. At least I can always learn something new rather than just stick to one old agreement, one old perception. You know, get my neurons working, hear and listen more, choose to agree or disagree, things like that.


However, that's that and now I'm living the side effect. Heee. Not the major ones Alhamdulillah for that. I just feel lightheaded and it forces me to lay down on bed all day long. To top it up, today is perfectly sunny, with twelve degree Celsius of temperature outside. Oh how I wish I can just go out and play.

 

Instead, I tucked myself in the duvet, having my dose of Pride and Prejudice, and enjoying the sun that shines through my mighty window. Not so bad after all. Although, I much rather prefer being outside, at Claddagh, or at Menlo Castle perhaps. Oh not to be forgotten, my tea. People who know me should have known how much I love tea, how am I a tea person, and how do I drink my tea.

A not so cold day, the sun shines so brightly,me in my comfiest knit-sweater, a generous mug of tea. They make a perfect combo don't you think? 

Tea, is indeed, a hug in a mug. :)

"You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on."

                                                                                        -Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice-

Mr. Darcy: How are you this evening, my dear?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: Very well... although I wish you would not call me "my dear."
 
Mr. Darcy: [chuckles] Why?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: Because it's what my father always calls my mother when he's cross about something.
 
Mr. Darcy: What endearments am I allowed?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: Well let me think..."Lizzy" for every day, "My Pearl" for Sundays, and..."Goddess Divine"... but only on *very* special occasions.
 
Mr. Darcy: And... what should I call you when I am cross? Mrs. Darcy...?
 
Elizabeth Bennet: No! No. You may only call me "Mrs. Darcy"... when you are completely, and perfectly, and incandescently happy.
 
Mr. Darcy: [he snickers] Then how are you this evening... Mrs. Darcy?
[kisses her on the forehead]
 
Mr. Darcy: Mrs. Darcy...

Oh how am I such a girl, such hopeless romantic. Now now now, can have a Mr Darcy of my own please? ;)

Starry Night

now playing Jonas Brothers - Lovebug

I love stargazing.

Saya suka tengok bintang.

Alhamdulillah malam ni langit cantik sangat subhanallah! With an almost full moon, bintang berterabur, like literally sprinkling, and ombre-colored sky. Words can't describe how beautiful it was, neither a powerful camera lens. Eventually I made all my five housemates out to see the sky and  I made they glad that they came out to our backyard, they really did. ;)

 

The pictures don't do justice to the real view, seriously. These are they best shot we can make via a digital camera. All shaky and blurry LOL. We used Nisa's camera as shot trials with smartphones were to no avail. Amateurs allllll the way. Haha.

The best product of my humble Samsung smartphone.

At time like this, I wish I have a DSLR and know how to use it right to get the most beautiful shot. Like this 

Mind the crosses, focus on the sky.

I actually have seen a scene like this before, seeing sea of stars WITH MY NAKED EYES and spare me, the view is far far far more a-freaking-mazing than this screenshot. Wallahi. I was in a car at The Burren back then, it was pitch black and we even stopped the car just to stargaze for a moment. I really felt like crying that time because it was too beautiful. I couldn't stop praising God for giving me such great great experience. Subhanallah.

Ever since then, stargazing has became my favorite. Only then I knew that The Burren is one of the darkest area in Ireland so it is a famous place for stargazing and people go there every year for stargazing festivals and stuff.

Stargazing has always always always been in my wishlist. A proper stargazing. Lying on the ground, cuddling if possible (muehehe). Falling asleep while counting stars. Allah, it will be blissful.Someday, insyaAllah. :)

#PrayForMH370

March 8 2014, morning. You know, one thing that is good about Twitter is it tells you what actually is happening in your "tweeps neighborhood". So when suddenly I received a notification saying everybody I know on twitter is talking about one same particular matter, I knew at once, something bad, worse, a tragic incident is happening. The same case occurred masa I dapat berita pasal arwah hari tu. Sebab tiba-tiba semua orang RT tweet Safwan (kalau tak silap) bagitau pasal berita pemergian arwah Azem. That's why, yesterday morning I was somehow, traumatized.

Turned out, a Malaysian Airlines' flight MH370 was reported missing, tak dapat dikesan, langsung. And what breaks my heart is the pictures of family members who're patiently waiting for the news, you know deep down inside they're chanting prayers non stop. It is tough enough to hold back tears, because you know once you're bursting out, you could never stop crying. And what is more heartbreaking rather than seeing a mother crying, a daughter crying, a brother crying, a husband crying, waiting for their loved ones, hoping for their loved ones to be back home, safe and soundly?

I think the hardest part is "not knowing" ; ditinggalkan dalam tanda tanya. Apa yang terjadi? Hidupkah? Matikah? Di daratkah? Di lautkah? Makan kah? Cukup minum kah? Kesejukan kah?

A few days ago I went to a talk from Brother Nouman Ali Khan in Manchester. Satu point yang terkesan dalam hati ialah "Anything, everything, is possible with Allah's will. Against all odds, everything could happen." This kind of incident could be happening to any flight, any airlines, anybody, any time. It could be happening to somebody's father today. It also can be happening to yours any time. Wallahu'alam. Indeed He is the most powerful. Indeed He knows what we don't know. Indeed we can always plan but He is always always always the best planner.

Suddenly it hits me, what if it happens to me? What if something bad happens to me before I have the chance to tell my loved ones how much I love them, how much they meant the world to me? I always know that I didn't say "I LOVE YOU" enough to anybody, be it my family members, or my special friends. I always say to myself "Taknak lah cakap, malu." or "They'll know eventhough I don't say it, I showed enough sign." or "I'll just say it tomorrow. They surely can wait.". Yes. SURELY. As if I am sure that there will be tomorrow, or I'm still alive tomorrow. It hits me. I don't cherish people. I don't cherish the moment. I, Hanis Hafizah, take things for granted. It hits me. Hard. Astaghfirullah!

Enough with the rant. Let's just pray for the crews and passengers' safety for now. InsyaAllah tembakan doa diberikan oleh seluruh rakyat Malaysia walau di mana kami berada. Majlis-majlis solat hajat di seluruh negara. Everybody is now uniting, tak kira bangsa, agama, negara, atau fahaman politik.

To everybody on the aircraft, we're here patiently waiting for you guys. Where ever you are, please be safe, have your jacket on, don't stay in cold, please do eat, you have to keep energized, please keep have faith, and don't lose hope. We here will keep praying insyaAllah and hoping for a miracle, because anything could happen against all odds. Please, come back and give your loved ones a warm hug.

And to those who are desperately trying to be popular, making countless of shameless speculations and fake news, making bad jokes and being insensitive regarding this matter, SHAME ON YOU.


live streaming Astro Awani here

Back on my flight from Dublin to Germany during winter break