I don't know. Maybe I've kept too many things bottled up for these past few weeks.
This is a hard path, it really is, and I acknowledge that. I don't know how other people survive this, but I've tried so hard to make sure that I TRY my best to make the most of it. And I've been improving, rather a lot than the last time. But when I think I've had given my all, the reality hits me hard, on the face.
Bersedia dari awal. Burnt the midnight oil if I had to. Made sure to go through everything before the class/tutorial/practical starts. Prepare myself because I know nak setaraf dengan kawan2 yang lagi pandai ni, it takes hard work. Ilmu tak datang golek-golek macam tu je, that one I know. But the thing is, kau rasa kau dah bersedia, and when the real time comes, rupanya ada sejuta lagi benda yang kau tak tahu. That's a part of learning process, again, that one, I know. Tapi when it comes to feeling inferior, and insecurity, I guess we just can't help it, eh?
Bukannya jealous dengan orang yang lagi pandai, tapi disappointed dengan diri sendiri sebab... tak tau sebab apa. Sebab ilmu tak cukup tinggi macam orang lain maybe? And why are we comparing ourselves with other people, is another question I couldn't answer. It hurts so much harder when you're mad with yourself. Disappointed with your own self. When you're feeling overwhelmed, and incompetent, and like you don't belong. When you think that you've work hard enough but apparently your enough is not enough enough.
I know, I should not focus on the bad things but need to see on great things I've accomplished so far. To feel tired, to complain is definitely not an option. But little did I know being positive is quite a hard work itself. To tell myself that everything's gonna be okay is rather a hard work itself. And to live up to people's expectations is a hard work itself.
May Allah give me strength, give us strength.
I'm sorry that there's too much negativity in this post. I just need to let it all out. Night. (I'm fine.)